God Bless Facebook

February 24, 2012 § 11 Comments


Writing is Hard

February 21, 2012 § 18 Comments


I took a test in the third grade.  The test consisted of a bunch of weird geometry questions.  I entered into a zen-like state and began to ponder the questions.  Then, it hit me.  My mind became one with the universe and I realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.  After this profound experience, I regained consciousness and I instantly knew I was going to ace this test… because the guy sitting next to me was Asian and had left to use the bathroom.  After copying his answers and turning in my test, I was invited to join the  Gifted and Talented Education (GATE) program.  There is no point to this story.  I am just bragging.

Note: 65% of my 3rd grade class also joined the GATE program; however, I believe that 64% of my third grade class entered the program through a clerical error.

Keep reading, it gets worse

Rational Fears

February 17, 2012 § 23 Comments


I have a completely rational fear of beans.  Beans, in almost every form, are disgusting and unfit for human consumption.  I used to wonder why people would consume something so vile?  Then I discovered the Pop genre of music and it all made sense.  People are stupid.Beans come in a variety of attractive colors such as violent diarrhea, liquidy vomit, and black death.

Back in the day, Hollywood made the mistake of glamorizing beans.  They showed rugged cowboys eating beans as a testament to one’s masculinity.  It makes sense.  If you can eat something this horrible, you’re obviously tough.  This theory held weight until the movie Brokeback Mountain came out of the closet.  The aftermath of this film turned every cowboy on earth into a homosexual in the eyes of the youth.  Today, people who eat beans because of cowboys are disgusting sexual deviants.  I forgot where I’m going with this, but here’s a fun fact.  After being seen as a team full of homosexuals, the Dallas Cowboys have only won a single playoff game since the release of Brokeback Mountain.

Celebrity Bashing Still to Come