Writing is Hard

February 21, 2012 § 18 Comments


I took a test in the third grade.  The test consisted of a bunch of weird geometry questions.  I entered into a zen-like state and began to ponder the questions.  Then, it hit me.  My mind became one with the universe and I realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.  After this profound experience, I regained consciousness and I instantly knew I was going to ace this test… because the guy sitting next to me was Asian and had left to use the bathroom.  After copying his answers and turning in my test, I was invited to join the  Gifted and Talented Education (GATE) program.  There is no point to this story.  I am just bragging.

Note: 65% of my 3rd grade class also joined the GATE program; however, I believe that 64% of my third grade class entered the program through a clerical error.

God

What's that? You haven't become one with God?

In my writing debut, I wrote a riveting report that exposed congress as powerless puppets too afraid to stand up against the bean industry.  The aftermath? Nothing.  Did congress do anything?  No.  Did I receive a sexually graphic code name? No.  Did ABC’s John Stossel invite me on his show and tell me it’s okay I can’t grow a mustache? No.

My content is too mature and my story is too real for the youth.  I provide a raw, unadulterated, view of the world’s corruption, but these children only want to see the raw, adult rated, version.  Sex sells.  In my career as a wordpress author, I have bravely avoided the temptation to add lewd material in my posts(vagina!!) to entice readers, which leaves the sex starved youth unable to connect with my work.

Unlike most authors, completely devoid of talent or breath mints, I refuse to cheapen my content (currently valued at: $0.00 USD)  to gain readers with silly gimmicks (PENIS!!!!!).  While I may alienate readers, I hope in the eyes of history my work will get the proper respect it deserves.  I don’t want to be a flavor of the month author like Earnest Hemmingway, I want to be someone truly respected for their literary contributions like Nora Roberts, Stephenie Meyer, or the guy who writes Dilbert.

Hemmingway

Silly Hemmingway, Raiders Fans Can't Read

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