Rational Fears

February 17, 2012 § 23 Comments

I have a completely rational fear of beans.  Beans, in almost every form, are disgusting and unfit for human consumption.  I used to wonder why people would consume something so vile?  Then I discovered the Pop genre of music and it all made sense.  People are stupid.Beans come in a variety of attractive colors such as violent diarrhea, liquidy vomit, and black death.

Back in the day, Hollywood made the mistake of glamorizing beans.  They showed rugged cowboys eating beans as a testament to one’s masculinity.  It makes sense.  If you can eat something this horrible, you’re obviously tough.  This theory held weight until the movie Brokeback Mountain came out of the closet.  The aftermath of this film turned every cowboy on earth into a homosexual in the eyes of the youth.  Today, people who eat beans because of cowboys are disgusting sexual deviants.  I forgot where I’m going with this, but here’s a fun fact.  After being seen as a team full of homosexuals, the Dallas Cowboys have only won a single playoff game since the release of Brokeback Mountain.

There is also that stupid song people love to sing.

Beans, beans, the magical fruit!
The more you eat, the more you toot!
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So eat some beans at every meal!

I ask you…DOES THIS MAN FEEL BETTER?  Warning: This video is disgusting

Green beans do not promote renewable energy.  Black beans did nothing for the civil rights movement.  Refried beans conveniently hide their fried past.  Garbanzo is probably not even a real word.  Baked beans support copious drug use.  Lima beans don’t even come from Peru.  It appears the cake isn’t the only thing that’s a lie.

Beans consistency of suck extends to humans as well.

Exhibit A:  Mr. Bean

Mr. Bean

Would You Let Him Watch Your Children?

Exhibit B: Butterbean


Nothing Can Defeat the Blob

Exhibit C: Sean Bean

Ned Stark

Was He Compensating For Something With His Sword?

Sean Bean died in the movie Lord of the Rings, a movie where four midgets with no military training were able to topple an empire.  He also made a pretty sad attempt on Frodo’s life after being controlled by a ring.  The only time it’s acceptable to try to murder someone because of a ring is because you’re married.   In Game of Thrones, Sean Bean was killed by a prepubescent boy after snitching.  Sean Bean also caused this.  😦 Long Live Lord Eddard Stark!!!!!!”

Do you have a rational fear?


Nicki:  I once saw  a scary orange with a face
 me:  kk
 Nicki:  named Kilifil.  i love wang

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§ 23 Responses to Rational Fears

  • This is hilarious! and yes, my completely rational fear is lightning.

    I mean I think it’s totally reasonable to think that it will come through the window and electrocute you in the middle of the night.

    I’m embarrassed I just wrote that.

  • A good start for your first post, after a more insert the ” read more ” to shorten the post and make people click them.

  • Vilipend says:

    Thank you and great idea. How would I go about adding a read more to a post?

    • Rae says:

      A “read more” option depends on the template you have. You don’t have to do this, it just depends on what you like and what you want your blog to look like. Like everything, some people like them and some people don’t. If you really want it, you’re going to have change your theme to one that has it.

    • All themes can have the read more tag as it is a wordpress setting and NOT a theme setting, its up to the blogger.

      Some people do not like to scroll and scroll looking at posts, after 2 or 3 paragraphs put the tag in , it means you get a click for that post, otherwise people can read your whole front page with no post clicks.

      Most of the bloggers who have been here along time use it.


  • Rae says:

    I feel you. I hate peas and it’s totally justified. I also hate Mr. Bean, but I love Sean Bean. Go figure.

  • Vilipend says:

    @lovelylittlebug– perhaps we can draw it and outsource the creation to a factory somewhere else. By we, I mean you because I have no drawing skills. I will come up with an awesome name. Something like SuperAwesomeSuit5000 (patent pending).
    @Rae–Thanks for the read more tip. I’ll look into it. You’re right about peas. They are okay (to me) raw but cooked peas are nasty. I actually like Sean Bean…I just needed an excuse to post that video. It’s too hilarious to not list! By the way, your blog is my favorite so far on wordpress!

  • BTW, don’t use uncategorized because the search engines don’t read them, so your post will only be found by tags, always give posts a category, you could call this one fears but you can change it later.

  • Victor says:

    Most people hate beans, down here they are a symbol of poberty to some persons.

    I like beans along with eggs, or this mexican plate called “Frijoles a la Charra” ( Beans with a lot of Chile, onion, meat). Out of that, I don’t like them….

    Maybe, when the apocalypse begins and you need to survive to nuclear war, zombies or aliens you will be eating those popular Ranch Style Beans in a black can. Shame on you.

    • Vilipend says:

      Hahaha. People who don’t understand my rational fear of beans constantly ask me hypothetical questions regarding bean consumption. I am 95% sure I have added enough mental blocks to make it physically impossible to eat beans. That or my body is superior and identifies the threat of beans and instantly rejects them.

  • Rai says:

    I like beans! But that is because I’m a vegetarian and I think I’m required to. Also I’m a little afraid of getting ostracized.

    • Vilipend says:

      Hahaha. My girlfriend is trying to be a vegetarian and she possesses all the cooking ability in the relationship so I’m a semi-vegetarian. It sucks. I’m like, “lets eat burgers” she’s like “no”. I’m like, “lets eat chicken” she’s like no. She’s like, “lets eat vegetables”. I’m like, “I think we should see other people”.

      The point is that being a vegetarian is hard. I commend you.

  • Great post! I have a fear of salt I cant go anywhere near the stuff for fear I would spill it and the world would end lol… x

    • Vilipend says:

      Hahaha. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like for a terrorist in the afterlife when he’s waiting in line to get into heaven with all the people he just killed like, “my bad guys”.

  • Smaktakula says:

    Your bean aversion is troubling–after all, aren’t we all human beans?

    I’m really sorry–it’s early. Enjoyed the post though!

  • graeymalkin says:

    I have a rational fear of a stranger mailing anthrax to my house in a cowardly attempt to kill me.

    And getting Rick Rolled.

  • I was going to leave some snarky, witty comment here but that picture of Sean Bean has got me distracted in all the wrong (but oh so right) ways.

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