February 17, 2012 § 23 Comments
I have a completely rational fear of beans. Beans, in almost every form, are disgusting and unfit for human consumption. I used to wonder why people would consume something so vile? Then I discovered the Pop genre of music and it all made sense. People are stupid.Beans come in a variety of attractive colors such as violent diarrhea, liquidy vomit, and black death.
Back in the day, Hollywood made the mistake of glamorizing beans. They showed rugged cowboys eating beans as a testament to one’s masculinity. It makes sense. If you can eat something this horrible, you’re obviously tough. This theory held weight until the movie Brokeback Mountain came out of the closet. The aftermath of this film turned every cowboy on earth into a homosexual in the eyes of the youth. Today, people who eat beans because of cowboys are disgusting sexual deviants. I forgot where I’m going with this, but here’s a fun fact. After being seen as a team full of homosexuals, the Dallas Cowboys have only won a single playoff game since the release of Brokeback Mountain.
There is also that stupid song people love to sing.
Beans, beans, the magical fruit!
The more you eat, the more you toot!
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So eat some beans at every meal!
I ask you…DOES THIS MAN FEEL BETTER? Warning: This video is disgusting
Green beans do not promote renewable energy. Black beans did nothing for the civil rights movement. Refried beans conveniently hide their fried past. Garbanzo is probably not even a real word. Baked beans support copious drug use. Lima beans don’t even come from Peru. It appears the cake isn’t the only thing that’s a lie.
Beans consistency of suck extends to humans as well.
Exhibit A: Mr. Bean
Exhibit B: Butterbean
Exhibit C: Sean Bean
Sean Bean died in the movie Lord of the Rings, a movie where four midgets with no military training were able to topple an empire. He also made a pretty sad attempt on Frodo’s life after being controlled by a ring. The only time it’s acceptable to try to murder someone because of a ring is because you’re married. In Game of Thrones, Sean Bean was killed by a prepubescent boy after snitching. Sean Bean also caused this. 😦 Long Live Lord Eddard Stark!!!!!!”
Do you have a rational fear?